Friday, May 19, 2006

Why I Don't Want a Child #1

Guess who the little one is.

1. "So when are you going to have a baby?" If Pierre and I charged for each and every time we were asked that question, we could have already bought plane tickets for our next holiday to the Philippines. And bought first-class.

Having built up a nice collection of answers, we choose one depending on the mood.

"Apol's too young." It's a lie, but my relatively unlined face fools the wrinkle-prone Europeans.

"Pierre's sterile." I invented that one, but only got to say it once before my husband censored the attack on his virility.

"When we're rich enough to afford a yaya." This is closest to the truth, because we're so lazy that if we could, Pierre and I would hire three nannies, one each for him, myself, and the kid.

After some soul-searching, I have decided that my unwillingness to have a child comes from trauma, experienced at the time I was editing a magazine for moms and homemakers, when I came upon this harrowing piece of information: Dentists recommend that we brush our children's teeth for them until they develop the motor skills to master the task themselves. That means wielding the Disney toothbrush until they're six or seven years old.

I did the math: three minutes, three times a day may not seem much, but add it up and you come up with a straight 16 days, with neither sleep nor coffee breaks, more than two weeks of your life that you could have been spending working on the next revolutionary invention after thong panties, that instead you devote to staring at mini tonsils.

"Don't worry, maybe our kid will take after me," grinned my dear darling, who lives up to the stereotype of the not-very-hygienic Frenchman and thinks he's doing me a favor if he brushes his teeth once in 24 hours. Still. That's more than five days spent cleaning out somebody else's tinga.

14 comments:

becky said...

i was there and she really did do the math! i can still remember the horrified look on your face, apol. this is just hilarious. hey, how are you doing? hope all is well. take care. :)

decorator said...

i am one of those who asked when...? hihihihihi!

ironically, inay, recently, parang gusto kong magka-anak..... but of course, i abhor the concept of having a wife...

KaY said...

That was such a funny post since I am one of those soon to be mom who will be staring at the mini tonsil of my son for the next 6-7 years ...

If ever you do get to have a kid, it will be worth it. Of course I'm biased since I have one already.

mardigras said...

Apol, hindi kaya nahahawa na tayo sa mga Europeans na ayaw magsi-anak?

Mrs. Blackjack said...

Yay! Walang kompetinsya mga babies ko. Well, pag nagkaron. 50-50 chance of having blue-eyed kids. Pag-aartistahin ko sa Pinas. He-he.

Still trying to recall if we know each other. I'm from UP Diliman (1989-1993) and studied at l'Alliance Francaise (2002-2003) also.

apol said...

BECKY, I'm good. Stopped running though. Am a lazy ass! I will e-mail you. Dearest GWYN... gunaw na pag nagka-baby ka!!! Although I do think you'll make a terrific mum. Hi, KAY, you look pretty. TUESDAY, naku I don't think so. Nasa Pinas pa ako when I did my teeth-brushing calculations :). MRS. B, My student number was 89-09717, so baka we do know each other.

goddess said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
goddess said...

I love reading your blog! Your writing just inspires me. :)

By the way, I yet have to introduce myself. I am Coni, current editorial assistant of real living magazine....Gwynie adores you. :)

haze said...

Pierre looked so serious in this photo!

Having children is a matter of choice and you have chosen not to have one....for the moment! So I guess you will have a change of heart later on because having even one at home makes life colorful and meaningful! kahit minsan makukulit sila!

You are giving a life to a wonderful creature at loka sayang ang genes mo....i'm sure maganda o guapo ang labas nyan. At para naman may kalaro si Basti at Mayumi ko noh! he he he!

Have a wonderful Weekend and link na kita ha ;-)

Makis said...

I think I'm with you there! Hope to see you soon!

apol said...

Hi, CONI. Likewise, I love Gwyn. HAZEL, Pierre was having a premonition that he was going to grow up married to crazy me :). Don't worry, MAKIS, I will help you brush the teeth of your future babies. Once. Kisses!

decorator said...

i love you too atih! ahahahha... hayaan mo, pagnagkababy ako, palatandaan na yun ng second coming.

mcsister said...

Apol, my nieces aged 4 and 5 were here, and I am so happy that my sis Michi trained them to brush their own teeth na. I volunteered to bathe them. I told them to bring their toothbrushes into the shower, and sprayed the shower water into their foamy mouths to rinse. Hahah! They LOOOOVED the shortcut version, and it was fun too.

ella said...

I used to feel that way too, I said that I would wear gloves if I had to wash my baby's butt. But here I am picking up you know what bare handed...motherhood sneaks up on you.