Thursday, November 01, 2007

I Hear You, Noelle

Reading Noelle's 31 October blog entry was like hearing an echo of the phone conversation I had with Tara last Tuesday, which had me saying, "Marriage is not at all easy, Tars, and if what I have with my husband doesn't end up to be the forever kind, then I'm never going to do this sort of thing ever again."

If you're not yet married, then I'm doing what Noelle says should be done and telling you: My lord this till-death-do-us-part business is not easy!

For each married woman, I suppose the difficulties are different. For me, independent, stubborn, individualistic, slightly egotistic I, what I'm finding particularly hard to get used to is the constant presence of another. Even when he's not physically there, he is there, taking up space in my head, taking possession of a big chunk of my heart.

There is, too, the fact that I got married at 32, when I had had more than a decade of living my adult life my way. There had been boyfriends, of course, but looking back now I never considered them an intrinsic part of my life. Now I am with someone who is exactly that.

My life is tightly tied up with the life of another. And it is supposed to be this way until I die.

I consider marriage to be most of all about sharing, so the thought does bring me contentment. Still, there will always be a part of me--independent, stubborn, individualistic, slightly egotistic I--that will think about this and will find it difficult to breathe.


writerinresidence said...

Which is why I am always asking people who are about to get married, "ARE YOU SURE? Are you really really really SURE?" Hahahhahaha. How long have you been married, Apol Lejano? We are going on 15...and it still astonishes me.

Lenita Maldita said...

Hi Apol.I remember watching Richard Gomez after getting married to Lucy Torres saying, 'If you are in doubt, even if it's just a tiny little doubt in your heart and head, do not get married!' That stayed in my head until I got married to James. I've read one time somewhere, we don't get married to get divorced. When we get married, we always hope it's for life, for ever. But I agree, it's not easy. Being single makes us decide on our own and all of a sudden, there's someone else in the story that we need to consult because our decision in our lives will and may affect them. Nice post, Apol. - Len

The Disparate Housewife said...

Hey Apol, I had to get a driver because I no longer have the presence of mind to drive a vehicle responsibly. I also had to get a yaya to get used to things around the home for when Peanut comes. So now I am constantly around all these people plus Peanut in my belly, and I shuddered thinking, gad, will I ever be alone again? I hear you mother!

Apol, La Pomme said...

Hi, NOELLE, I'm still a baby in this department. Just going on three years.

Hmmm, I don't know about what Richard said, LEN. It sounds so nice, but when you think about it, it's just too simplistic. I think it's good to have a few doubts before getting married. I mean, if one didn't have any, one would presume to know everything there is about the other person and how things will work out in the couple, and that is just never the case. If one didn't have doubts, one would be a little foolish, don't you think? Being in love does not have to mean being unrealistic. It's good to have our eyes wide open, specially when committing to something so big it's supposed to last till death do you part.

Yes, IANNE, like your ambiguity about motherhood, it's another one of those things that rarely ever gets talked about :) Pierre and I were talking about a couple we know the other day, who are so unhappy together but are just both so afraid of being alone that they're staying married despite their misery; and we realized that with the two of us, who are quite happy being together because we really get along so well, if one day we decide to separate, it will probably be because of our mutual desire to be alone!

Anonymous said...

Swak! This is so true.

I think women are just different from men. I mean, look at Sean's dad, natepok na yung dalawang asawa niya, magpapakasal ulit. Ay!

haze said...

I remember my husband telling me that religious upbringing is important in raising children. I could say that it's the same way in marriage. We could admit it or not but it makes a difference!

Apol, La Pomme said...

Hey, KAT, I don't think this one is a matter of differences between the sexes. More a question of personality. Anyway, whatever makes him happy, right?

Hi, HAZE, I do respect your religious beliefs, but I don't think we should insist that this is true for everyone. I know couples--some married, many not--whose relationships work great not because they have religion--in fact, a lot of them practice no religion--but really because they treat each other with a lot of respect and a great deal of kindness.

Sorry if I'm seeming contrary, EVERYONE :) It's just that when I think something, you all know I have to say it--or write it, in this case.

pinay in barnsley said...

Hey Apol, you and my hubs will get on like a house on fire! You're both 'Tommy opposites!' (it's one o'those Brit terms for y'know, being or saying the exact opposite of what's just beeen said...)

No, but I admire your very opinionated stance. Takes some balls...

But it's a good post. I hate to sound like the annoying type who claims to have been there done that, but in the marriage department, I can safely claim that I've been there, done that...this is marriage numero tres for me and it's totally, unequivocably HARD WORK!

It all boils down to one question really in the end..."Is it worth it?" (the grief, the aggro, the tears...) On the first 2, we obviously know the answer to that, but with this one, I can honestly put my hand on my heart and say I wouldn't have it any other way.

Somebody once told me (or I may have read it from one o' those girly magazines) that marriage is all about outdoing each other's generosity.

I like the idea of that...Putting it into action is another story though!!!

haze said...

No worries Apol we all have different perceptions in life ;) ! I agree it's not for everyone (I don't insist...i just speak for myself) but when everything goes wrong we found ourselves into deeper reflections...and think of Him for help.

Apol, La Pomme said...

PINAYINB, I love your comment. I just really believe we should start talking honestly about marriage and stop looking at it all with rose-colored glasses. And just because we're being frank, as blogger Patricia was telling me over chat the other day, "it doesn't mean we don't love our husbands or that we want to get out of our marriages!"

HAZE, yes, while I am spiritual I do have a big issue with thinking that every time we have problems we turn to our God. I prefer to think of my God as somebody who has already given me and the rest of us a good head, a big heart, and a strong spirit and so trusts us. He wants us to be strong and independent, and to have the courage--the balls, as PinayinB would say--to solve our own problems. As I always tell my friends, "I don't want to keep taking his attention away from much bigger things--I mean there's the occupation of Iraq and the crisis in Darfur!"